June 5, 2008

• (Jelly) Fish Story

     "MyBrotherTheCowboy" forwarded something to me that I feel compelled to share. 

     Why?  Because my muse has left for Keokuk and there's nothing much to report. 

     (Unless you count the certified letters from Jenna Formerly-Bush and Barbara Walters telling me that they didn't give a rat's ass that my granddaughter won the "Spirit Award.")

     But seriously. This is a great story.  If you don't laugh out loud after reading it, you are in a fudking coma!

     (No, I do not know the guy in the story.  Cowboy Dave knows his sister.)

     Doesn't matter.  It's even funnier when you realize it is a TRUE story. Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. He is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

     (Incidentally, she then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.)

  -------------------------------------------------

          Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day
          at the office I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share
          my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
  
          Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities
          of my job.  As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.
          It's a wet suit.
  
          This time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: we have a
          diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water
          out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver
          through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good
          plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
  
          What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down
          the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.  It's like working in
          a Jacuzzi.
  
          Everything was going well, until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course I
          scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn. 
          I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what
          had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
  
          Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the
          crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch I was
          actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
  
          I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were
          unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
  
          Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
  
          I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five
          minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
  
          When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out
          of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of
          cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber The cream put the fire
          out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
  
          So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if
          you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.   Repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job,
          I love my job."
  
          And whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself:  “Is this a jellyfish bad day?”

    

   

  -------------------------------------------------

    

     YEEEE-OUCHIE! 

  • 4:06 pm
  • 6 Comments